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Perspectives

Bestest friend said to me,   “The problems we faced may be simple, but it is us who complicates it”.  Things can be so direct and simple  if we just simply ask or communicate about it. Tell the other person how do we actually feel and try understanding it from their perspective. But this is one of the most challenging part, how vulnerable and transparent can we be towards the person that we are ready to accept the consequences that comes with it after asking the question? Naturally, we have our fears.  There is always two ways to look at it, does fear makes us stronger or does it makes you weaker.  For me, I am still weak and there is much much work in progress that needs to be done.  I may not be as confident and happy as I look.  I have always been having issues with my self confidence and am constantly reassuring myself every single time that tomorrow will be a better day or don’t worry you will be better in no time.  I am very inconsistent wit...
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And then, you came.

He was my last match that I am still chatting with before I decided to uninstall whatsoever dating apps that I had in my phone. Somewhat different personality and character, it felt safe and comfortable chatting with him. He made me felt safe talking to him with his simplicity in thoughts. Things were fine, we met few times. Exploring food, chatting over coffee and did some activities. And then, somewhere somehow I felt like some things started changing. Less conversation and communication over phone, daily chats became few days chats. Gaps is getting bigger, I felt. And it's just all me, and my thoughts all over again. I felt the cycle is coming back, in a way I will most certainly feel confused, keep waiting, and having multiple thoughts.  Again, am wondering why is this happening to me so often for every single time when I met someone new. I do not want to go through the whole roller coaster journey which makes me unrecognizable of myself. I cannot lose myself again. Remember Ja...
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6 months long

It was after 6 months - finally I had that closure. It was shocking of course and I have noticed there were multiple times you were trying to have some small chats. Am glad that I wasn't incapacitate over the whole situation, I guess I have really learned to accept that some things were just not meant to stay in your life. I admit that I do still think of you at some point of time, and I don't think that I will ever forget that parcel of moment where things used to be so comfortable. But I have made that choice - no matter how much I have felt and thought of you previously, you are not what I really need at this moment. I need someone who is sure of me, and someone who chooses me everyday consistently. But again, thank you for stepping up and apologizing.  I can choose not to meet up but I did anyway, because I think that I am able to handle it way much better now.  You said that it was because of the timing and you weren't ready. But really, is there a right timing?  I w...
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Can’t help it

I thought that am doing quite alright for the past few days.  Only when I realised, there are some things reminds me of you badly.  Each time when I saw any Harley bikes on the road, I think of you.  Each time when I hangout with friends enjoying gin and tonic, I think of you.  Each time when passed by Tropicana Gardens mall, I think of you.  Each time when I go to my classes at ABC studio, I think of you.  And each time when I happen to match with someone new, I think of you.  Memories and fragments of you are everywhere.  How can I stop my brain from thinking.  Deep down, I still miss you.  Now and then.  Signing off.  11.43pm @ 030722
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One day

Will I ever find the right one? There’s a quote saying, people is not afraid of new love but is afraid of the old pain. I felt it somehow for Mr.A. Just my gut feeling.  Sometimes I feel like, does bad thing happen to me in order for it to be good for someone? It seems like it because most of my ex found their happy ending. I know that everyone has their own timeline and pace, but still can’t help myself to stop thinking bout it. Oh well, am one overthinking lady.  I just need that one chance to meet that person who will appreciate me as much as I would appreciate them.  Someone who chooses me everyday.  Someone who cherish me much.   Someone who is consistent.  Someone who will lift me up and grow along together for betterment.  And someone who is always there during the good and bad times.  You don’t need to be perfect.  It’s something that we learn to compromise every single day.  Signing off.  11.05 @ 010722
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Moving on

I did not check up on your social medias anymore.  I did not think of you most of the time anymore.  Talking about you does not hurt as much anymore.  I am hoping what am feeling will be consistent.  Because, I want to move on and be happy.  With or without you.  If it’s meant to be, then it will be.  Signing off.  10.35pm @ 300622
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Gratitude

One thing that I am truly grateful and blessed for the emotional and mental supports given - friends. Going through this road is already hard, but having people around you that actually really care is incalculable.  There is always blessings in disguise if we choose to step back and notice things around us. For my case, I’ve realised that I am always surrounded with people that were continuously giving support and be there when I needed them.  I was never alone.  It’s only because, I am not honest with myself and keeping everything to myself. Every single time, I think am okay but actually I am not. I needed help but I just don’t want to be a burden.  But now, I will be honest with my feelings even if am not entirely sure what this means or why am I feeling this way.  I will allow myself to feel what I feel. Because I know, there is at least one person that will be there no matter what to listen what I’ve got to say. Signing off.  10.39pm @ 290622
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